xXFLUOxETINEXx on Xanga

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

Why does god hate me?.....

To put it short and sweet....

I'm pretty much homeless at this point. With my car sitting parked at the Barracks in San Mateo Pendelton, i'm here in tucson for the week to be with my parents and to plan out what i'm going to do once i get back after this week. Tucson is out of the question because my heart is in cali. i cannot come back here to stay. regardless of the situation at be, so much good has came out of this move that i would do it all over again and might not accept any other outcome. Jaylynn is being supportive without over smothering me with "ill help" or "what should i do?" there really isn't anything she can do but hope for the best....and thats all i want from her. i was a overly clingy one before, but now i know that great things can happen without always being chained to eachother.

i guess what makes this so hard is because my own family cant do much at all, and one family member has put me in this situation out of greed. who puts family out on the street with no interest in their well being? who puts a nephew out on his ass in an already emotional state?

if i don't find a way to fix myself from this, it could be the stone that breaks this camels back.

but my own aunt to just trash me like this?....

I'm no different then a dog the family tires of and lets loose in the desert.

But i still have her....

And that counts for something

Monday, 10 May 2010

As if i couldint have been more trapped...

I should have known this would happen but i needed gas.....

So i was burning my tank on driving all over North county for the past week now, and made two trips to Chula vista to see my baby. i have an interview and needed gas to get to it, so instead of just giving me what i needed, my aunt jumps and says "Ill fill your tank sweetie, you need to keep your car going after all" so i agree......and upon her filling my tank and i start it up, she says "Now i don't want you to make any more trips down south for the week"

..........WHAT THE FUCK?! okay i understand, you paid for the gas, but that was just low......tell me where i can drive in MY car?? no, thats not okay. and you cant return gas so basically, i know how much gas it uses to get to and back from the Jaylynns house....i'm going to see her if i can this week. i know my car, and i know unless i'm driving to LA and back twice, i'm not gonna run out of gas this week with one or two trips south. and seeing as ill have 20 dollars in a day or two, Fuck it. ill drive there 3 times. i'm doing what i need to be doing, i got my interviews, and i did my work around their house, i'm not going to be a 24/7 slave to their say. i'm 21 years old, and know that i need to respect their home, but this is more than my own parents would have done when i was 18....

long story short, i love my aunt to death, but ill be damned if i let her try and trick me like this. my car, my rules with it. her money, still my gas. her house, i come back when they want me back, or stay out the whole night. fair enough. their house, so i do some work to earn my keep, fair. forcing help on me with intentions to keep me on their leash....not gonna happen. ill bum it and couch surf a few friends places every few nights if i have to if they don't cool it with the control high.

PS. i'm totally using the majority of this gas on seeing her. my excuse? "sister wants me to stay over tonight"

Don't ask and i wont lie to you....

and on another note, the car looks so pretty after i used a rubbing compound and waxed it. <3
Welcome to the life you wanted, Tim

Well i did it....I finally broke every rule, every tie, and even a few laws to get here but here is home now. I drove out to be closer to My Girlfriend Jaylynn. Heres a little story about how it all came to be, and how i got my ass out of trouble for taking a car i'm not insured under.
two weeks ago, i met jaylynn from a website i host art on and we began talking after she replied to a journal i posted there. upon realizing we had a full on chat within comments i decided, hey, why not give her my number. she lives in chula vista but who said we cant text? so i gave her my number and she texted me instantly, hours and hours pass and we had been texting right on to 4am. i passed out but woke up to a few cute messages. including one picture message of her with the word "Smile" written on her hand. must have had to do with our talk about emo kids. the next 3 days were exactly the same. text all day and night like two kids with no lifes. then we graduated to instant messenger.....oh the fun to be had. we passed videos back and fourth from youtube and i shared my profile.....she was so entertained that the was showing them to all her friends who then were lead to believe i was amazing at being just me. so again, another two days of long nights talking she asks the question...

"...What are you doing this weekend?...."

I thought about what i knew she was gonna ask...but i knew i only get one chance to cut loose and liberate myself from everything for atleast a weekend....but i knew i couldn't afford to do anything. i replied:

"Nothing but bitching about gas i don't have in my car"

She said to my surprise,

"Thats not an issue, ill send you whatever you need to get out here."

I gotta admit, i thought this girl was insane at that point, to drop all that money to get me out for three days and two nights? well i took the offer, told my parents i was going camping in phoenix and drove the car 410 miles away from home, straight to cali....there was something about the spontaneity of the trip that gave me such a thrill.

I could die on this trip and my parents would think i'm in phoenix....
I could get pulled over and seeing as my mom is the registered owner she would get contacted by highway patrol to verify i didn't steal it.
I could break down and not have any options and be stranded.
I could get all the way out there, and it all be an excessive joke...

I didn't care...

I drove for 6 hours and finally saw her. my god she was beautiful. we instantly headed over to the house we would be staying at and shenanigans galore. between walking ocean beach and seeing all the hippies and being drunk off Fourloco and Joose there was never a dull moment. hell, against my better judgement and to feed my curiosity i did a whippet. well actually a few balloons of NOS but as strongly i am against drugs i'm just as against not trying something once. it was interesting to say the least, but it, like all drugs, wasn't for me.

back to this girl.
The first night we spun poi on the beach and her friends were all wanting us to make out. poor Jay was soo embarrassed. so they didn't get their kiss on camera.....but we shared the most intimately intense night together that i have ever experienced....and the weird part is, we didn't even have sex....its amazing how close and connected to you can feel with only lips, hands and body....this girl is the clone of my heart. three nights we shared this.

Then came the time where i had to go....i wanted to cry so much because i could tell by her hug she didn't want to let go......because i didn't.... i left her at her house as planned and drove off to go to the beach one last time before hitting the freeway and thats when i decided.....I'm staying. i'm not going back to tucson. this is my home now. i cant leave her out here, and wondering what i'm doing there. i waited until night to call her and wish her a good night.....and slipped in "Ill see you tomorrow...."

She was stunned and excited. she started to cry because she had thought i was gone. well it was all risk but i'm gonna make this one work..

tonight i got a message from her, and i heard her talking to her friend in the living room about it last week when she thought i was sleeping....but it read, "I have never fallen for anyone as hard as i fell for you"

she had said to her friend before "i fell so hard and so fast for him....no ones done this to me before..." her friend asked "do you think he did it on purpose?" she said "no....i know this one is real...i can see it in his eyes that he's got a heart." and her friend said "well if you want my approval, you've had it since i saw how happy he made you online"

its amazing what you hear when you pretend to sleep...much like waiting up for santa every christmas....you'll sometimes over hear what you'll unwrap in the morning.....

and you cant wait to hold it in your arms....

She is my heartbeat.

Welcome to the life you wanted, Tim.

see what happens when you hang on just alittle bit longer?

Friday, 13 November 2009

Last Blog 2:28AM 11/13/09

"You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one I'll always love
You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She could never be as good as you"

Who uses their own real words anymore anyways....

Time to follow suit and just kill this. end this chain. its all bullshit and i hate how it had to end.

and im doing it all over again. only this time i know how to follow through.

step one:
This is the last mother fucking blog.
No one said she couldint take time, but when time turns into a week and wanting everything but the person you let down.....
so i got a new game

ive been pretty occupied when i find time to play it and i gota say, its pretty awesome. I didint think the sims 3 would be that different from the sims 2 but im thrilled about all the new things and functions it has. the graphics are also a large upgrade from the previous. its alot more realistic, and the build mode and furnature is real classy looking.

haha not much else to really say other than try it out some time.

On another note, we are having a pot luck party at our house tomorrow night. should be alot of fun! everyone is gonna be here and mabey a few new people for me to meet and mingle with. really looking forward to it.

I also got my foostamp benefits. as soon as i get the card ill have 175 dollars for food and im planning on using it to fill in times when we get tight for food after my roomies run out, and to help my mom out a bit. shes helped me out so much after all.

And tomorrow im going to have to break silence and ask my ex for prices and set up an appointment with her for my mom. she wants to get her hair layered and really wanted to have her do it this saturday morning. its not going to be hard, just....how am i going to look to her when i talk to her out of the blue about my mom coming in to have her specifically. heres hoping i didint make myself an ass. not that i dont deserve it.

happy friday.